


Oops

by SaraStarchild



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M, One Shot, Sexual Content, Texting, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 21:03:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10648008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraStarchild/pseuds/SaraStarchild
Summary: Jim Moriarty gets a vibrating dildo stuck up his butt. He texts Sebastian Moran about his situation.





	Oops

**Author's Note:**

> This was vaguely inspired by Real Life Events. Not MY real life events, mind you. This Real Life Event: http://gawker.com/5989486/oversharing-dude-gets-vibrating-dildo-stuck-up-his-ass-livetweets-trip-to-er  
> And this was written in 2014.

Seb where are you. JM.

 

Shooting range, why? - SM

 

I'm on my way to Dr. Greenburg. JM.

 

Why? What's wrong? - SM

 

That's none of your concern. JM.

 

Yes it is. You pay me to be your live-in

“ordinary person” - if you're going to the

doctor I've gotta know why. - SM

 

Fine okay I'll tell you. JM.

 

… - SM

 

Yes? - SM

 

OH MY GOD GIVE ME A MINUTE. JM.

 

If you're going to a doctor you probably don't

have a lot of minutes to spare, Boss. - SM

 

I currently have a dildo lodged in my arse,

Sebastian. JM.

 

You should look at that message;

you have autocorrect on. - SM

 

No, that's what I meant. JM.

 

How the fuck. - SM

 

I think you can imagine “how the fuck”

it got there, Sebastian. JM.

 

Boss you could've gotten me to come home

if you needed that so badly... - SM

 

DO I LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO

BOTTOMS, SEB? JM.

 

DO I? JM.

 

Well, you certainly let that

piece of plastic up there... - SM

 

REMIND ME TO DISEMBOWL YOU. I HAVE

NO TIME FOR THIS. I AM DRIVING. JM.

 

You seemed to have plenty of time for

the dildo, on the other hand. - SM

 

…Boss? - SM

 

I'm getting an X-Ray. JM.

 

Greenburg has an x-ray machine? - SM

 

Yes, and Greenburg also has a Ph.D. Call

him by his title. Manners, Seb. JM.

 

Jim you've strapped bombs to five people

in two weeks, don't talk to me about

manners. -SM

 

Dr. Greenburg is a friend to the Moriarty

family, and will be treated as such. JM.

 

So do you normally go see friends of

the family with a dildo shoved up

your arse? - SM

 

SEBASTIAN MORAN.

DON'T TEST ME. JM.

 

Dr. Greenburg has to put me under anesthesia to

remove this, I'll text you when I wake up. JM.

 

Alright. - SM

 

I've just woken up – the vibrator

has been removed. JM.

 

Oh, you didn't tell me it _vibrated._ \- SM

 

Well now you know. Happy? JM.

 

I'm certainly amused. Now tell me, were

you thinking of Sherlock Holmes before

your ordeal? - SM

 

You are crossing the boundaries of professionalism

and I'm going to have to take that question out of

your paycheck. JM.

 

This whole conversation is crossing the

boundaries of professionalism. - SM

 

So? Sherlock Holmes? - SM

 

...Maybe. JM.

 

How did I know? - SM

 

You're a genius. I'm on my way home. JM.

 

How's your arse? - SM

 

It's fine. I just better have padded cushions

on every seat when I get back. You know.

In case. JM.

 

Of course. - SM

 

I just realized something. - SM

 

Oh? What's that? JM.

 

You didn't need me at all through this, and

yet you insisted on texting me, even while

driving. What did you need me there for? - SM

 

I dunno, moral support? JM.

 

Jim, you don't have any morals _to_ support. – SM

 

And that’s why you love me. ;) JM.

 

Yeah, whatever. – SM


End file.
